NONCHALANCE IN THIS CENTURY IS EXPENSIVE

Part Two: When Nonchalance Enters the Relationship

In Part One, we talked about how nonchalance can quietly cost us opportunities, growth, connection and even parts of ourselves.

But there is perhaps no place where the cost becomes more painful than in our relationships.

Growing up, a lot of us believed love should be enough. That if two people genuinely cared about each other, they would naturally figure things out. While that is not entirely wrong, over time, I have learned that love is not self-sustaining. Love is not enough. It requires attention. And when attention is withdrawn, even the strongest connections begin to fade.

Because relationships don’t usually collapse in one dramatic moment. Love doesn’t die in one day, sometimes, they simply become neglected.

From “I’ll call later”, to “they know I love them already”, to “let me face my own life first”. Before you know it, neglect turns to distance. And distance has a way of making lovers become strangers.

In Love, Nonchalance Can Cost You Someone

I have had to walk away from relationships I was fully invested in, not because love was absent, but because intentionality was. And walking away was how I chose to protect myself.

We are in a generation where people are becoming more intentional about relationships. A time when people are now asking questions:

What are we building?
Where is this going?
Are we compatible?
Do we communicate well?
Do our values align?
Are we emotionally safe with each other?
Are we both growing?

People are no longer satisfied with simply having someone. They want to know what the relationship means.

And that requires intentionality.

You cannot keep saying, “they know I love them.” Maybe they do. But love that is never expressed, communicated, demonstrated or nurtured can become difficult to feel.

You cannot continuously neglect someone, disappear emotionally and expect their love to remain untouched.

You cannot refuse to communicate, take someone for granted simply because they’ve been patient with you, and expect them to magically understand you or keep loving you.

You stop dating your spouse because you’ve already “won” them. No, you can’t!

Familiarity does not (should not) eliminate the need for effort. Sometimes, familiarity makes intentionality even more important. Because the people closest to us are often the people we stop trying for, and that’s where the danger lies.

Friendship Needs Intention Too

We all have that one beautiful friendship that went quiet, not because of a fight, but because one party or both parties become nonchalant about maintaining it.

Friendship is another area where nonchalance can be costly, especially as adults.

Everyone is busy. Everyone has responsibilities. Everyone is fighting private battles.

And because of that, meaningful friendships don’t always survive by accident.

Sometimes, you have to call, check in, remember birthdays, celebrate people’s wins.

You have to show up when life is difficult, apologize when you’ve messed up, make plans, create memories and be present.

Not every friendship requires constant communication. But almost every meaningful friendship requires some form of intentionality.

You cannot disappear for six months and return expecting the relationship to have remained exactly where you left it.

People grow. People change. Lives move.

And most importantly, relationships require maintenance.

Friendship is not always about frequency. It is about intentional presence.

And Then There’s Marriage

Marriage is only as beautiful as the intentionality of the two people involved.

Marriage doesn’t run on wedding vows alone.

It runs on the little things: The conversations, check-ins, forgiveness, affection, friendship, the willingness to understand, willingness to change and the decision to keep choosing each other.

Please note; I do not write this section as a married woman, but I know enough from observing beautiful marriages to know that they are not accidental. They are built daily, through effort, understanding, and the willingness to be emotionally present.

Marriage can suffer when two people stop being curious about each other. Here’s what I mean:

When we first meet someone, we are curious. We ask questions. We want to know how their day was, what they are thinking, what worries them, what excites them. Curiosity says, “I still want to know you. Over time, familiarity can make us assume we already know everything about our partner, so we stop asking. We stop checking in. We share a house but no longer share our inner worlds.

But people are constantly evolving. The person you married years ago is not exactly the same person today. If you’re not curious enough, you will miss who they are becoming, and the marriage begins to feel distant, not because love left, but because interest did.

You can live in the same house and become strangers. You can sleep on the same bed and be emotionally miles apart. You can provide financially and still be emotionally absent.

You can say, “That’s just how I am,” while your partner is silently drowning.

Intentionality in marriage means asking, “How are we doing?” Not just financially or physically but emotionally, mentally and relationally.

What needs attention?

What have we stopped doing?

Where have we become disconnected?

What can I do better?

Those questions may not sound romantic, but sometimes, asking them is exactly what keeps love alive.

But Here’s the Part We Don’t Talk About Enough…

Sometimes, nonchalance isn’t because we don’t love people. It’s because we assume they’ll always be there.

We become comfortable. We stop saying thank you. We stop checking in. We stop noticing the little things. We stop courting. We stop listening. We stop asking questions. We stop trying.

And because there hasn’t been an immediate consequence, we assume everything is fine.

Until it isn’t.

That’s the dangerous thing about taking people for granted. The absence of a complaint doesn’t always mean the absence of pain.

Sometimes, people don’t leave when they first become hurt. They leave after they’ve repeatedly tried to communicate and eventually become tired. And by the time you realize they were serious, they may have already emotionally checked out.

Intentionality Doesn’t Mean Chasing

Let’s also be careful here.

Being intentional doesn’t mean forcing a relationship, begging someone to stay or doing all the work while the other person contributes nothing. It does not mean abandoning your boundaries or accepting disrespect.

Intentionality says, “I will do my part.” Not, “I will do everything.”

You can love someone deeply and still walk away, communicate and still accept that someone doesn’t want to understand. You can show up and still recognize when you’re the only one showing up. You can give your best and still protect your peace.

Because intentionality isn’t desperation. It is conscious participation.

So, Who Are You Taking for Granted?

Maybe it’s your partner, friend, parents or your siblings. Maybe it’s someone who has consistently shown up for you or maybe it’s even yourself.

Who have you assumed will always be there?

Who deserves a conversation you’ve been avoiding?

Who deserves appreciation you’ve been too busy to express?

Who have you stopped making an effort with because familiarity made you comfortable?

And perhaps most importantly:

What would happen if they stopped trying too?

Sometimes, we only recognize the value of effort when the effort disappears.

Don’t wait until someone’s absence teaches you what their presence was worth.

But Relationships Are Not the Only Place Nonchalance Costs Us.

It can also quietly sabotage the person behind all these relationships: you.

Your career, dreams, finances, education, health, emotional growth and your future.

Because becoming intentional isn’t only about how you treat people.

It is also about how seriously you take your own life.

And that’s where we’re going in Part Three.

Because perhaps the biggest relationship you need to become intentional about is the one you have with your own becoming.

To be continued… Don’t miss Part Three.